June 20th, 2008

Damn

On, "rape" (graphic language)

I've been doing some catching up of Lj (for reasons complicated, and nothing to do with people here, I've been less than active since March, or so).


One of the posts I saw was desert_vixen's response to Judgemental Rape Counselor

Ignoring her (the counselor's) priggish desire to force other people to keep me from what she sees as the near occasion of sin... I have a few thoughts on some of what she says about Date Rape.

1: She has no clue.

Ok... now that we have my reasoned response out of the way, we can get down to details.

I'm talking about date rape, so-called sexual assault, and driving a man - when both parties are often drunk and/or on drugs - into a frenzy, then primly saying, "No means no!") Because these women have no common sense, men's lives are litterally being destroyed with criminal records that will follow them the rest of their days.

Boo-fucking-hoo. Want to avoid a record... don't rape.

I understand that this is hard to deal with... at an abstract (and at a concrete) level, people negotiate for things. Someone has something you want, and it's not a simple transaction (You state your price, I give you money, or not); one negotiates. My friend wants to go to lunch and then hang out in a pub. I want to do breakfast and then go for a stroll.

One of us will be giving up some of what we want.

Same thing can happen with sex. One partner isn't interested; might be a right now issue. Might be that what I want to do isn't what she wants to do. Might be I don't like her, "that way".

There is room to talk. A really rigid understanding of "reluctance = absolute cessation of conversation" is going to make people unsure. When I was in college, and date rape was just rising into the general conciousness I was scared silly.

Back then, it scared me, because people (esp. young/immature people) make silly choices,
and have bad sex (not always badly done, just poorly chosen). What if I was pushy with my interest and she said yes and then decided, ex post facto it was rape?

Now, that I am older... I don't worry about it.

Because society isn't fair about rape. Since it's hard as hell to get a conviction for stranger rape in an alley/school gym/of a girl passed out cold. I doubt there is going to be a wave of convictions for a woman who says, "I said yes, but only because I was drunk, and didn't really want to."

So the guy who actually gets charged with date rape... (at the risk of appearing to say that where there's smoke there's fire), I'm sympathetic, but he'll get his day in court. The odds are, if charges are filed, the case isn't as simple as, "she changed her mind." So I'm not that concerned if he gets charged.

So here's some advice on how to avoid being an "accidental" rapist.

Don't push too hard. If she's not in the mood now, a full court press isn't likely to make her so. If you want something more than a one-time shag, it's straight up counterproductive.

Make sure she's capable of giving informed consent (goes the same for you; perhaps double. Recerational pharmaceuticals, including alcohol go at the top of the trouble list – they make people's answers less reliable. They also hinder analytic thinking). Don't do anything when "happy" you haven't already done with that person.

If she says no – stop. It is that easy. If you're hot and bothered... aching from need and desire... go home and have a wank. If it's so bad you can't wait that long... find a bathroom, park the car; do something and take care of business.

No, it's not as much fun, but you won't have any real regrets (maybe some wistful thoughts about what might have been). More to the point, if you leave; there won't be any cops knocking on your door to talk to you about the rape allegation.

Rape is not an induced crime. Rapists commit it. If you don't want your sons to be rapists... teach them what rape means, and tell them not to do it.

It's that simple.